51 - 49

and so, they have the theory of 50 - 50
and I have the theory of 51 - 49

and I believe it is my best shot for making decisions
whether I might get into trouble or not
still, 51 - 49 is always what I believe

there ain't nothing such as 50 - 50
there ain't no perfect equality
there ain't no such thing as perfect at the very beginning

hmm..
how to put this into words?
yeah, nothing is equally equal in this world
the weak suffers as the strong prospers
there should more take on one side than more give
or there should be more give on one side than more take

I use this theory to support my decision making
see, I always divide myself into two entities
one pro another contra
as soon as one comes to more than 51
that one is the winner
and that one is my decision

that's why, it is not my style to flip coin

I Don't Shed Tears

I had been crying for so many times
When I was young and bombastic
But, I found nothing more in crying

Indeed, people said that crying will let you sleep like a baby at the end
Help you forget about what happened
Help you dream about what is sweet
Help you throw away sadness bit by bit
But, I found nothing more in crying

So, please lemme tell ya the story of this lone wolf
The last time I cried for surviving in my sane state
was 5 years ago, when I was 16
I cried for the sake of being betrayed
I cried for I didn't know who to trust
I cried for not knowing the reason
I cried for the fact that I was weak even I tried to act tough

damn, all of these times, I tried to be the toughest of all
but I crippled because of these tears

But, thing starts to change
I come up to the point where I wake up from my dreams
and start facing reality of this sweet world
I used to say to myself:

"If I have no one to trust anymore, then the only one who I can trust is only myself"

"The fact that I didn't know the reason because I believed too much in heaven and hell; for that, I will just have to become a person who wants to know whatever reasons that caused something to happen, so that I don't have to live in this uncertainty anymore"

I rationalized myself long time ago
I don't trust my feeling anymore, and I killed it using my mind

Of course, I should admit that I have always been in pain, but tears won't be shed because I hold it and I would let the heart suffers the painful thoughts that I have. My heart does become sacrificial lamb of my mind trying to throw away all of these pains.

They said, tears ease heart from suffering, but, I won't shed tears and I would rather choose to let this tiny cute heart suffers. My heart is my pain killer. I don't want to let people see I shed tears. I don't want to let my enemies know when they can strike me.

I still remember, how I was hit even more when I started crying as a kid.
I was raised not to cry.
I was raised a warrior.
I was raised to be strong.
And for that sake, I will keep walking, I will keep struggling
without showing my pains
without showing my mercy
and without tears on my face

As he has said, "a man can only cry for one thing, the only thing; when his mother passed away"

then, what I have to do is only to save up my tears, to live up to my own expectations then his expectation on me, as a lone wolf, and as a warrior

Random

Why the world around me is totally different from what I know from?
Is it because people around me is changing? Or it is because that I am changing?

When sun and moon keep on shining every single day, I wonder why more and more things that around me that I don't know about.

Why when environment and other people keep on changing every single second, I am still taking steps on the same spot, walking in circle?

With more and more knowledge, I found that the less I know about, especially people.
Have not talk to many of them for a few weeks, havn't talk to many of them for a few months and havn't talk to many of them in years.

Is it me who is changing instead of others? Or its because others are changing but not me?

Just realized that why am I kept on asking questions...?

There it goes again, wondering for the "right" path meanwhile lost in the desert of hopeless.

Hope everyone do well on their finals, and for those who are going outside the country for x'mas break, have fun, don't get too drunk.

Battle Cry for Exams

Dear Father,
Here is your son, -jqL_, sitting down in the library
Trying to study but confused of WTF is going on
Anyway, please grant me courage and intelligence..... boosters
I am only asking for boosters because I know I have the courage and intelligence already
I just need to wake them up to help me study for my exams
I know my prayer is kinda weird
probably...

For the battle is waiting for me in the front line,
I won't hold back but start to remember each of the 77 definitions (Goddam' these definitions Father, HTF can I remember each definition if I don't even know WTF it means???)
and last thing before I end my prayer,
also grant my friends the same things
courage and intelligence boosters
Thank You

oh yeah,
and please let the moon keeps shining beautifully
Thank You

Everyone, let's do it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD LUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after all of the exams are done,
for anyone who wants to challenge me in any kind of chess (actually int'l or chinese)
please contact me
and we can play whole day long

Superstar's Diary

Note: I know this is gonna be disappointing, but this year, the superstar didn't puke.

27 November 2008 - Lonely For Day
Pretty much spending time alone. Actually more into sleep because of the freaking final exam which happened to be in the morning and in the drilling-session class (MC 1056). I actually did pretty well on the test (well, no one knows until the paper is back in your hand; you might smile, or, you might shout, or in the worst case, bang head.
I went to help Hendry (doing good karma) and I went to Hickory community
eventually, I got my birthday soup there lol

28 November 2008 -Work and Softcore Party
The starting of the era, we came to my house to enjoy ----->

the most beautiful cake ever made in this world, blackforest and cherry.
LOVELIEST
UNDENIABLE
SPEECHLESSINESS OF DELIRIOUS CAKE'S TASTE

ESPECIALLY THE CHERRY
EVERYTIME I HEARD "CHERRY"
I REMEMBERED -> OLIVIA A.K.A IPEH
SOMEONE WHO STOLE MY CHERRY
WHEN I ALMOST DONE MY CAKE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

After that, I should become birthday potter
worked for 4 hours then headed to K-zone
Here, Frank bought me the flaming stuff (bleh! taste actually fine) (Thanks Frank!!)
and there was one stranger brought a funnel inside and said he wanted to drink with me
(thanks stranger who I have forgotten his name)
and weird, 5am in the morning, some random guy called and asked for "andrea". this is chaodongsity (according to mike, there is a new word "huja baja")
Note: I really suck at remembering people's name and face

as a good geographer I am, I don't even need sense of direction, because I believe in compass

29 November - Rocket Launching
I slept for the longest time ever today after ye's sushi with my sisters and Steven. It was beautifully quiet today and I can't wait just for 10pm. I was kinda nervous to meet all of the guys I wanna meet.
So many sweet things happened in Dooly's far as I remembered (blame those two "whatever it is" shots)
thanks for the greetings, cards, and gifts as well everyone.
I would like to deeply thank people who visited from far away
-Seputro
-Edify
-SooHoon
-what about Sky and Timo? hmm let's see, are you guys even moved???? lol

In most cards, I see
"I hope you find a girlfriend SOON!!"
"HOPE YOU FIND A GIRLFRIEND VERY SOON :)"
"Go get yourself a girlfriend la. Or I'll introduce (speechless)"
"Hope you find your Chao Dong this year!!"

T_T
so touchy
but you guys know what.....................
I want GIRLFRIEND with S = GIRLFRIENDS
GIRLFRIEND + GIRLFRIEND = GIRLFRIENDS
GIRLFRIEND x GIRLFRIEND = GIRLFRIEND TO THE POWER OF 2
But I wouldn't want SQUARE ROOT OF GIRLFRIEND TO THE POWER OF 2

kiddin'
but don't worry, let the superstar does his job, you guys sit down and watch, hahahahaha =p

So many other beautiful memories such as taking picture while offered a birthday cake (someone actually shouted "Shut up and blow the candle!!!!" because I kept talking or kept asking for more picture session?) hahahahaha

Then, we all went to Tim Horton's and I think I was drunk already there. What I remembered was when we played chess, there are two guys who argued about how many moves there should be before checkmates (hahahaha). And there was a bouncer who kept talking about stuffs that weren't even useful. and I shouted "Can you just shut up since I am playing chess?"
I might have not been able to lift up a finger to write this post
but yeah, after all, I am still writing this post

30 November 2008
I was hangover today at work
felt drunk on most times
the disorderity of stomach
can't stop laughing
and in collaboration with Mike,
we made new word

"Huja Baja"

Again, Thanks for everything everyone !!!!!
I start to feel that I'm not THAT lonely apparently, hahahahaha
then let me start my "chut thao thi 出頭天"