Lessons from December

I guess it is my time to become "student" of life again
I had always thought that I am able to solve problems easily
but eventually, I had come to a very critical point where my mind wasn't able to work properly
when many problems came to me at the same time, I was lost, and without knowing what to do, I wandered around looking for answers. It felt like I was walking in a maze with my eyes blinded.

I had always thought that I am the "teacher"
because I had always been helping people with my suggestions
I might be "teacher", but only to others, not to myself
when I had all of these problems, I was lost
I thought I was strong,
but I found out that I am just as weak as everyone else
I thought I was fearless,
but I have just proved myself wrong

I met with so many people this month, I didn't ask for advices, but it seemed like all of the advices eventually came into my ears and my mind. I came to realize that I am still weak. I realized that I was a crab who was trying to teach his children of how to walk straight.

One of my friends said, I have always been there for my friends, but I haven't been there for myself. I guess he made a point there. Indeed, I start to realize that I have to spend more time thinking of how I should advance in life.

Whatever I had built has all become pieces, nothing left, leaving me in despair.
but, after today's conversation with a friend, I come to realize that my "building" was built from when I first entered high school in Canada, and now the building is all ruined.

but, I know, what I can do now is only one thing, to reconstruct, to renew, and to repair
everything, every pieces of my building... I won't only rebuild that building, but I will also make it stronger, and I will keep adding stories until it reaches heaven

Next year will be different
at least I have come to learn more of my weaknesses
I will learn how to be stronger
and fearless

some people never understand

man, I really love this sentence
after working as a part-time porter

See, the thing is
today I went to work and I felt same things about working there nowadays
I am mad because everything is being spilled to me
I work harder than everyone else even though I am just a part-time worker

probably I shouldn't use "I" for this time, it should be "we"
lone wolf is trying to use "we" hahahaha

It was fun working there before even though we finished around 2 or 3 in the morning
It seems to me that we were working so happily even though we were tired at the end of the day
but things changed
now there are so many shits going on that place
I think we almost lost the whole motivation
something is just holding us behind from working there happily

I learn one more thing today
I see most of the people there don't understand what is the meaning of having two hands
see, we are the perfect human
we are not disabled and we can work and we can do almost everything that we want
most of the people there they slack off, they have too much reasons for not working as hard as we are
"oh, my back hurts" for example

damn, these people probably mistaken us as a superhuman who needs no rest

• if I were batman, yeah, I can go working afternoon and save people at night (quote: Hendry)
• or if anyone of us were, uh, mr. spidy, anyone of us would have used the ability of shooting web to clean the plates or stuffs, but yeah, they would just have to clean the spider web before they can use it
• or if Mike was Kamen Rider, then he would be able to put back the stuffs using his motors
• or if Frank was Goku, then he can turn the whole garbage into ashes upstairs with his kamehame without taking it downstair
• or something like that

(back to reality)
lemme ask you a question, how much you would want even only one hand when you have no hand? how much you wanna use that hand to do something?
see, all of these people who are blessed with two hands when they were born, are not grateful enough and they are slacking off, finding reasons to avoid work

my elders used to tell me "it takes half year before you can eat 1 rice"
so, do you expect to eat a freaking bowl of rice when you just sit down and wait for the rice to grow?
This ain't no Egypt back then in the Bible, it seems to me that those people are waiting for the food to be sent from the sky down to earth

I come to this sentence today
"the only thing that perfect human lack of is ... hope"
disabled, they always have a big hope that they will become useful oneday
but I don't see that in most of the perfect human
ironically, when we are perfect, most of us tend to rot and stop developing, there is lack will

as a closure,
some people never understand
I hope that I won't be like them when I am in their age
I have my own values, so I will let them keep their values
since I think most of the values of them are piles of garbage in front of my eyes

before my exam

boredom
yes, it is boredom

frank is sitting beside me
he is playing sudoku on a website
i am on my plain blog post
i don't really know what to write

1 hour to the exam
i saw the wrong time
i thought it is 7 pm
but it is 7.30 pm

good thing though
coz if the exam was yesterday
then i would have missed 3 finals in total
6 exams including the midterms
good thing luck was on my side every time i missed exams

120 multiple choice questions my prof said
you know what i hate the most?
multiple choice, my friends
i always do bad in questions like this

damn, what if i fail elpe again?
it will be the 4th time as well

anyway, this semester is just not my style
not my days
boredom

in my memories

When I took a look at my hometown friends' pictures
the pictures they took together around these days
I took a deep breath and sighing

I felt something is missing
I felt someone is missing
apparently, I am the one who is missing
I felt like I am not there anymore
I am in somewhere else instead
I felt like...

"stranger"

have I started to miss those old days?
when we were all still younger than now and still a no-brainer?

time passes so fast that I lost track of what is happening with all of you guys
funny, in every reunion, what we talked about always about how we were back in high school

it seems to me that our time stops there
it doesn't move on to this stage of life
is it because we rarely meet?

I guess it is
because our most beautiful memories are from high school
when we ran away from class, hid in another class
when we didn't attend morning class, we were having our breakfast
when we had big time arguments with teachers
and when we pulled pranks on one another

it was fun, indeed, yeah...
but what to say, we all have our ways now
we walk our own paths
and hopefully, one day, we will cross path for once again
as friends

apparently, we are all still "that" young every time we meet
just that we don't mess around with our life anymore
haha

Times

How many times you should keep trying something to see whether it works or not?
me, two...
there is once
there is twice
but there is no such thing as thrice

because unluckiness doesn't come once only
it may repeat as many times it wants to
that's the thing
if there is once for unluckiness
there should be twice
and if twice has arrived
thrice may soon follow
and so on

that's why, I choose to try out something twice
and if it didn't turn out to be as what I want
I say, forget it...

trying twice and failed, it is like you fall down as got hit by ladder
trying thrice and failed, you can add "grilled by a truck" into the equation
or something like that

but, is it pessimistic to think like that?
I still don't want to admit that it is pessimistic,
because I call it another way
trying three times is just uh... troublesome?
or you can say time consuming which is yeah... troublesome