Flashback - 2 Days to 2009

2008 almost at the end of its life
it will be talked in past tense soon enough
48 hours to its death
I will soon remember this year
as the year where everything crumbled

I know people must have been tired listening to what I said
same shits every single time
this collapsed that collapsed
what didn't collapse?
I guess only my head is still on the top of my body
which is good enough

after all, I haven't been engulfed by guiltiness for such a long time ever since that day
yeah, perhaps, 2008 is not my era if I look back
but if I can change and become better in 2009
then 2008 is my era

what the hell?!?!
so is it my era or not?!?!
we'll see I guess

now, I truly understand that I shouldn't let time passes by me without me doing anything
I eventually learned how important time is
my mom used to say "we only live once"
I gotta live my life to the fullest
I gotta do my things like there is no tomorrow
also thanks to a friend
now I finally understood

Out of Time - RIP Barrington Cockett - I Apologize and I Thank You, Safe Trip My Friend

I have been thinking about this
I have been thinking about time
I have been thinking about promise
I have been thinking whether I should do whatever I can today or I can leave it for tomorrow

I thought time can wait
tomorrow can wait
I thought I can relax
doing things one by one

but, something has just proven me wrong
I am totally wrong about how I manage my time
time is the most valuable thing in this world
we can buy everything in this world but not time

I regret I didn't visit you, Barrington
I forgot every time after I said I will visit you
I was dumb, I didn't know how to value our friendship
I know there is no point of saying this right now since you are not here anymore
and I know that I should blame myself instead of blaming time

I can't forgive myself of what I've done
I regret I have broken the promises

I still remember how we used to work together in the lab
trying to finish the assignments for GEOG 355 and 455
after all, you are in my memories
just that I didn't really value this before
I was fooling around with my life

Starting from now on, to value our friendship
I want to repair myself
I will keep my words
There is no more "whatever, tomorrow can wait"

Thanks for being my friend, thanks for teaching me how to live
thanks for everything
I am glad that I have known you
even it is only for 2 semesters we are in the same class and work together
goodbye Barrington
rest in peace
safe trip to His side

What a wonderful world

I saw a woman fall today on the road. She slipped due to the severe conditions of icy roads. People from left, and right jumped out of nowhere to help out this lady.
This world still holds beautiful people with beautiful hearts.

Lessons from December

I guess it is my time to become "student" of life again
I had always thought that I am able to solve problems easily
but eventually, I had come to a very critical point where my mind wasn't able to work properly
when many problems came to me at the same time, I was lost, and without knowing what to do, I wandered around looking for answers. It felt like I was walking in a maze with my eyes blinded.

I had always thought that I am the "teacher"
because I had always been helping people with my suggestions
I might be "teacher", but only to others, not to myself
when I had all of these problems, I was lost
I thought I was strong,
but I found out that I am just as weak as everyone else
I thought I was fearless,
but I have just proved myself wrong

I met with so many people this month, I didn't ask for advices, but it seemed like all of the advices eventually came into my ears and my mind. I came to realize that I am still weak. I realized that I was a crab who was trying to teach his children of how to walk straight.

One of my friends said, I have always been there for my friends, but I haven't been there for myself. I guess he made a point there. Indeed, I start to realize that I have to spend more time thinking of how I should advance in life.

Whatever I had built has all become pieces, nothing left, leaving me in despair.
but, after today's conversation with a friend, I come to realize that my "building" was built from when I first entered high school in Canada, and now the building is all ruined.

but, I know, what I can do now is only one thing, to reconstruct, to renew, and to repair
everything, every pieces of my building... I won't only rebuild that building, but I will also make it stronger, and I will keep adding stories until it reaches heaven

Next year will be different
at least I have come to learn more of my weaknesses
I will learn how to be stronger
and fearless

some people never understand

man, I really love this sentence
after working as a part-time porter

See, the thing is
today I went to work and I felt same things about working there nowadays
I am mad because everything is being spilled to me
I work harder than everyone else even though I am just a part-time worker

probably I shouldn't use "I" for this time, it should be "we"
lone wolf is trying to use "we" hahahaha

It was fun working there before even though we finished around 2 or 3 in the morning
It seems to me that we were working so happily even though we were tired at the end of the day
but things changed
now there are so many shits going on that place
I think we almost lost the whole motivation
something is just holding us behind from working there happily

I learn one more thing today
I see most of the people there don't understand what is the meaning of having two hands
see, we are the perfect human
we are not disabled and we can work and we can do almost everything that we want
most of the people there they slack off, they have too much reasons for not working as hard as we are
"oh, my back hurts" for example

damn, these people probably mistaken us as a superhuman who needs no rest

• if I were batman, yeah, I can go working afternoon and save people at night (quote: Hendry)
• or if anyone of us were, uh, mr. spidy, anyone of us would have used the ability of shooting web to clean the plates or stuffs, but yeah, they would just have to clean the spider web before they can use it
• or if Mike was Kamen Rider, then he would be able to put back the stuffs using his motors
• or if Frank was Goku, then he can turn the whole garbage into ashes upstairs with his kamehame without taking it downstair
• or something like that

(back to reality)
lemme ask you a question, how much you would want even only one hand when you have no hand? how much you wanna use that hand to do something?
see, all of these people who are blessed with two hands when they were born, are not grateful enough and they are slacking off, finding reasons to avoid work

my elders used to tell me "it takes half year before you can eat 1 rice"
so, do you expect to eat a freaking bowl of rice when you just sit down and wait for the rice to grow?
This ain't no Egypt back then in the Bible, it seems to me that those people are waiting for the food to be sent from the sky down to earth

I come to this sentence today
"the only thing that perfect human lack of is ... hope"
disabled, they always have a big hope that they will become useful oneday
but I don't see that in most of the perfect human
ironically, when we are perfect, most of us tend to rot and stop developing, there is lack will

as a closure,
some people never understand
I hope that I won't be like them when I am in their age
I have my own values, so I will let them keep their values
since I think most of the values of them are piles of garbage in front of my eyes

before my exam

boredom
yes, it is boredom

frank is sitting beside me
he is playing sudoku on a website
i am on my plain blog post
i don't really know what to write

1 hour to the exam
i saw the wrong time
i thought it is 7 pm
but it is 7.30 pm

good thing though
coz if the exam was yesterday
then i would have missed 3 finals in total
6 exams including the midterms
good thing luck was on my side every time i missed exams

120 multiple choice questions my prof said
you know what i hate the most?
multiple choice, my friends
i always do bad in questions like this

damn, what if i fail elpe again?
it will be the 4th time as well

anyway, this semester is just not my style
not my days
boredom

in my memories

When I took a look at my hometown friends' pictures
the pictures they took together around these days
I took a deep breath and sighing

I felt something is missing
I felt someone is missing
apparently, I am the one who is missing
I felt like I am not there anymore
I am in somewhere else instead
I felt like...

"stranger"

have I started to miss those old days?
when we were all still younger than now and still a no-brainer?

time passes so fast that I lost track of what is happening with all of you guys
funny, in every reunion, what we talked about always about how we were back in high school

it seems to me that our time stops there
it doesn't move on to this stage of life
is it because we rarely meet?

I guess it is
because our most beautiful memories are from high school
when we ran away from class, hid in another class
when we didn't attend morning class, we were having our breakfast
when we had big time arguments with teachers
and when we pulled pranks on one another

it was fun, indeed, yeah...
but what to say, we all have our ways now
we walk our own paths
and hopefully, one day, we will cross path for once again
as friends

apparently, we are all still "that" young every time we meet
just that we don't mess around with our life anymore
haha

Times

How many times you should keep trying something to see whether it works or not?
me, two...
there is once
there is twice
but there is no such thing as thrice

because unluckiness doesn't come once only
it may repeat as many times it wants to
that's the thing
if there is once for unluckiness
there should be twice
and if twice has arrived
thrice may soon follow
and so on

that's why, I choose to try out something twice
and if it didn't turn out to be as what I want
I say, forget it...

trying twice and failed, it is like you fall down as got hit by ladder
trying thrice and failed, you can add "grilled by a truck" into the equation
or something like that

but, is it pessimistic to think like that?
I still don't want to admit that it is pessimistic,
because I call it another way
trying three times is just uh... troublesome?
or you can say time consuming which is yeah... troublesome

51 - 49

and so, they have the theory of 50 - 50
and I have the theory of 51 - 49

and I believe it is my best shot for making decisions
whether I might get into trouble or not
still, 51 - 49 is always what I believe

there ain't nothing such as 50 - 50
there ain't no perfect equality
there ain't no such thing as perfect at the very beginning

hmm..
how to put this into words?
yeah, nothing is equally equal in this world
the weak suffers as the strong prospers
there should more take on one side than more give
or there should be more give on one side than more take

I use this theory to support my decision making
see, I always divide myself into two entities
one pro another contra
as soon as one comes to more than 51
that one is the winner
and that one is my decision

that's why, it is not my style to flip coin

I Don't Shed Tears

I had been crying for so many times
When I was young and bombastic
But, I found nothing more in crying

Indeed, people said that crying will let you sleep like a baby at the end
Help you forget about what happened
Help you dream about what is sweet
Help you throw away sadness bit by bit
But, I found nothing more in crying

So, please lemme tell ya the story of this lone wolf
The last time I cried for surviving in my sane state
was 5 years ago, when I was 16
I cried for the sake of being betrayed
I cried for I didn't know who to trust
I cried for not knowing the reason
I cried for the fact that I was weak even I tried to act tough

damn, all of these times, I tried to be the toughest of all
but I crippled because of these tears

But, thing starts to change
I come up to the point where I wake up from my dreams
and start facing reality of this sweet world
I used to say to myself:

"If I have no one to trust anymore, then the only one who I can trust is only myself"

"The fact that I didn't know the reason because I believed too much in heaven and hell; for that, I will just have to become a person who wants to know whatever reasons that caused something to happen, so that I don't have to live in this uncertainty anymore"

I rationalized myself long time ago
I don't trust my feeling anymore, and I killed it using my mind

Of course, I should admit that I have always been in pain, but tears won't be shed because I hold it and I would let the heart suffers the painful thoughts that I have. My heart does become sacrificial lamb of my mind trying to throw away all of these pains.

They said, tears ease heart from suffering, but, I won't shed tears and I would rather choose to let this tiny cute heart suffers. My heart is my pain killer. I don't want to let people see I shed tears. I don't want to let my enemies know when they can strike me.

I still remember, how I was hit even more when I started crying as a kid.
I was raised not to cry.
I was raised a warrior.
I was raised to be strong.
And for that sake, I will keep walking, I will keep struggling
without showing my pains
without showing my mercy
and without tears on my face

As he has said, "a man can only cry for one thing, the only thing; when his mother passed away"

then, what I have to do is only to save up my tears, to live up to my own expectations then his expectation on me, as a lone wolf, and as a warrior

Random

Why the world around me is totally different from what I know from?
Is it because people around me is changing? Or it is because that I am changing?

When sun and moon keep on shining every single day, I wonder why more and more things that around me that I don't know about.

Why when environment and other people keep on changing every single second, I am still taking steps on the same spot, walking in circle?

With more and more knowledge, I found that the less I know about, especially people.
Have not talk to many of them for a few weeks, havn't talk to many of them for a few months and havn't talk to many of them in years.

Is it me who is changing instead of others? Or its because others are changing but not me?

Just realized that why am I kept on asking questions...?

There it goes again, wondering for the "right" path meanwhile lost in the desert of hopeless.

Hope everyone do well on their finals, and for those who are going outside the country for x'mas break, have fun, don't get too drunk.

Battle Cry for Exams

Dear Father,
Here is your son, -jqL_, sitting down in the library
Trying to study but confused of WTF is going on
Anyway, please grant me courage and intelligence..... boosters
I am only asking for boosters because I know I have the courage and intelligence already
I just need to wake them up to help me study for my exams
I know my prayer is kinda weird
probably...

For the battle is waiting for me in the front line,
I won't hold back but start to remember each of the 77 definitions (Goddam' these definitions Father, HTF can I remember each definition if I don't even know WTF it means???)
and last thing before I end my prayer,
also grant my friends the same things
courage and intelligence boosters
Thank You

oh yeah,
and please let the moon keeps shining beautifully
Thank You

Everyone, let's do it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD LUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after all of the exams are done,
for anyone who wants to challenge me in any kind of chess (actually int'l or chinese)
please contact me
and we can play whole day long

Superstar's Diary

Note: I know this is gonna be disappointing, but this year, the superstar didn't puke.

27 November 2008 - Lonely For Day
Pretty much spending time alone. Actually more into sleep because of the freaking final exam which happened to be in the morning and in the drilling-session class (MC 1056). I actually did pretty well on the test (well, no one knows until the paper is back in your hand; you might smile, or, you might shout, or in the worst case, bang head.
I went to help Hendry (doing good karma) and I went to Hickory community
eventually, I got my birthday soup there lol

28 November 2008 -Work and Softcore Party
The starting of the era, we came to my house to enjoy ----->

the most beautiful cake ever made in this world, blackforest and cherry.
LOVELIEST
UNDENIABLE
SPEECHLESSINESS OF DELIRIOUS CAKE'S TASTE

ESPECIALLY THE CHERRY
EVERYTIME I HEARD "CHERRY"
I REMEMBERED -> OLIVIA A.K.A IPEH
SOMEONE WHO STOLE MY CHERRY
WHEN I ALMOST DONE MY CAKE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

After that, I should become birthday potter
worked for 4 hours then headed to K-zone
Here, Frank bought me the flaming stuff (bleh! taste actually fine) (Thanks Frank!!)
and there was one stranger brought a funnel inside and said he wanted to drink with me
(thanks stranger who I have forgotten his name)
and weird, 5am in the morning, some random guy called and asked for "andrea". this is chaodongsity (according to mike, there is a new word "huja baja")
Note: I really suck at remembering people's name and face

as a good geographer I am, I don't even need sense of direction, because I believe in compass

29 November - Rocket Launching
I slept for the longest time ever today after ye's sushi with my sisters and Steven. It was beautifully quiet today and I can't wait just for 10pm. I was kinda nervous to meet all of the guys I wanna meet.
So many sweet things happened in Dooly's far as I remembered (blame those two "whatever it is" shots)
thanks for the greetings, cards, and gifts as well everyone.
I would like to deeply thank people who visited from far away
-Seputro
-Edify
-SooHoon
-what about Sky and Timo? hmm let's see, are you guys even moved???? lol

In most cards, I see
"I hope you find a girlfriend SOON!!"
"HOPE YOU FIND A GIRLFRIEND VERY SOON :)"
"Go get yourself a girlfriend la. Or I'll introduce (speechless)"
"Hope you find your Chao Dong this year!!"

T_T
so touchy
but you guys know what.....................
I want GIRLFRIEND with S = GIRLFRIENDS
GIRLFRIEND + GIRLFRIEND = GIRLFRIENDS
GIRLFRIEND x GIRLFRIEND = GIRLFRIEND TO THE POWER OF 2
But I wouldn't want SQUARE ROOT OF GIRLFRIEND TO THE POWER OF 2

kiddin'
but don't worry, let the superstar does his job, you guys sit down and watch, hahahahaha =p

So many other beautiful memories such as taking picture while offered a birthday cake (someone actually shouted "Shut up and blow the candle!!!!" because I kept talking or kept asking for more picture session?) hahahahaha

Then, we all went to Tim Horton's and I think I was drunk already there. What I remembered was when we played chess, there are two guys who argued about how many moves there should be before checkmates (hahahaha). And there was a bouncer who kept talking about stuffs that weren't even useful. and I shouted "Can you just shut up since I am playing chess?"
I might have not been able to lift up a finger to write this post
but yeah, after all, I am still writing this post

30 November 2008
I was hangover today at work
felt drunk on most times
the disorderity of stomach
can't stop laughing
and in collaboration with Mike,
we made new word

"Huja Baja"

Again, Thanks for everything everyone !!!!!
I start to feel that I'm not THAT lonely apparently, hahahahaha
then let me start my "chut thao thi 出頭天"